#1 So Here I Go... So much is going on... Between not talking to Jamie, seeing him post online that he is, in fact, gay, having Vince like me & want to cheat on his girlfriend with me and having other guys show a mild but friendly interest in me, I am beginning to wonder what is going on around me and if I will be able to handle this. Oh well, I guess we'll have to see sometime later, huh? The novel's going ok; I'm sure of the ending now, but so much still must be written and decided upon before all the action can take place. It's like directing a movie; right now, I have yelled at the actors, "Freeze!" and they have perpetually frozen in time, just waiting for me to tell them to begin moving again as the script sees fit. I think about Le'ad a lot. I really miss his personality. It's amazing how short a time we have with people we find intriguing. He's a tragic hero of sorts, and I don't think I'll ever get over the fact that he's gone now. I'm probably just crazy.... %1 #2 Oh Goodness... So...life's just gotten even MORE complex. Oh well. Hopefully college fares better. I can't believe it's only still May. It's nice having more than one person to talk to, but the whole dating thing's getting weird. "Stan" by Eminem is still an awesome. Idk why. It's just one of those songs I could listen to a lot. Eminem's a rhyming genius. Anyway, that's really it for now. Just hoping life gets better. %2 #3 OY.... I wish people wouldn't fight so much. Yesterday I blasted Eugene unneededly, but I think he's getting more forgiving towards me. Idk why I did that but I felt bad. Hopefully life gets better. I'm sick of hearing people fight and get mad at one another. I need some Nutella... %3 #4 Oh No! Life is just...gah. I loved dancing by the pool as the water changed colors, the moon hanging like a small lemon wedge in the sky. I loved small kisses as the music played and as I tried not to trip on the garden hose and fall in the pool. I liked laying there talking about commercials and movies, and random stuff. I wish it were always that simple. I wish I knew for sure if I ought to pursue this. I wish you cared more, and didn't have ADD like Jamie or were as much of a charmer as Danny. I'm glad you make me laugh, but I wish you knew how to hold back. I wish I had been strong enough to say no. I wish I understood life more. "I wish I could wake up tomorrow and go to college..." Me too, Le'ad. Me too. And I wish you were here still. You live on in our memories, but what happens when those fade? You'll always be the sad artistic kid in the back of the Anatomy classroom. I wish you hadn't felt so alone. I wish it hadn't taken your death to make me see I needed life and needed to cherish it. It was so sad watching them put you in the ground. So many people cared, Le'ad, and I wish you could have been there to see it. I wish you could have read what teachers said in the obit. I wrote, or the kind things your teachers said about you in my interviews. It breaks my heart knowing you had to struggle and die alone. Anyway, enough of this rhetoric. Matt, or Mike? Matt, or Mike? Hm....oy. %4 #5 Dear Lord.... So.... Vince and I did stuff. So we're both cheating on the people we're dating. Quite a change, huh? Idk what to do.... Matt's way too much like Jamie + Danny. It's really frustrating. Like, he's got ADHD like Jamie and FREAKED me out the way he was driving, plus made fun of me and stuff. Then he's like Danny b/c he talks too much and I barely get a word in edgewise. Oh, and he gets physical often. This afternoon was really amazing. Like, dreamlike. Oh well. %5 #6 Life sucks Vince is a douchebag. He says he loves me & whatnot, but then after breaking up w/ Chelsea has sex with her anyway because he said that's the only way to calm her down. Bullshit. Guys are stupid. Well, most of them. I'm talking to Danny again, somewhat, but he admitted he only misses being physical w/ me. It's stupid. Does he REALLY expect me to want to be w/ him again after saying that? OY. I wish I could be w/ clayton. i hope he's feeling a bit better; he got his wisdom teeth out, ouch. I miss talking to him because he's such a nice guy and isn't perverted or stalkerish like all the guys I seem to attract. *sigh* I really dont want to be w/ anyone until the fall, anyway. I kind of wish I could just cut myself off from all the freaky people who still seem to have a thing for me, whether its for my body or not, and just talk to the people i know actually care about me in a nonstalkerish way. well, i really ought to start those thank you cards. ha, im such a slacker. byez %6 #7 title words %7